12 tagged with #mcy

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cool down the thunder


the body of this pen is metal, and it sits warmly in my hand when i've been using it. it splutters, at times, growing lighter with words drawn from it. words drawn from me, through it. i know when it's time to top up.

and it grows cold for a moment, a cool pause while i wipe up ink dribbles. it's like the feeling of topping up my motorcycle, too, pulling up gas from below the earth and cooling down the metal tank that sits between my knees.

in the summer, this is what i want to do all the time. i pour cold fluids into channels. years ago, i heard this line, "you cool down the thunder, and i'll ride the whirlwind," and i could never remember where it was from. the closest derivative i've found is, "you called down the thunder, now reap the whirlwind," from starcraft: episode 1.

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29 June 2018 23:02


the long fall


i crest a hill, and watch the pavement drop out below me. it's a long, screaming pitch towards the bottom, and i know the best way through is to roll on the throttle, hurtling flesh and metal towards that distant point. my stomach pushes up towards my ears, like all the times i went higher on the swings as a kid than i really wanted.

i remember that trick, when you pull hard on the chains at the top of your swing and get yourself a moment of freefall on the way down, thudding hard as the chains catch you again. i'd pinch my palms between the metal links, screaming until i came back to the ground. i never liked it, but i kept doing it.

it's always hard to remind myself that the safest thing to do is to go faster. if you're scared, go faster. if you're nervous, go faster. if you can't see, go faster. go faster, and the world blurs as it flies by, and you have fewer things you can meaningfully respond to.

#mcy

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17 June 2018 00:10


reactions


i am trying to learn to live without fear.

no, that's not right. fear is a thing that just happens, a feeling that oozes down the back of my neck and wets my shirt. fear is a dark movement in my peripheral vision.

but i am trying to learn to shorten the time between fear and correct action. i am trying to learn to recognize fear instantly, acknowledge it as a message from my senses that i cannot control, be grateful for that feeling, and turning it into a slowing of time that gives me the space to breathe, check my mirrors, observe my lack of exit routes, and trust that i paid extra for ABS for a reason.

i haven't died, yet. there are countless universes that include the subtle changes in decisions, a dry leaf placed in a different place, a glove torn in a way to catch on the handgrip, a blink too soon. i am not in any of those universes with this conscious body.

i am a conscious body, moving through the world. i am here. i am still here.

#mcy

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27 April 2018 21:20


restarting


young rabbits scatter into the alleyway, not knowing which way to escape. the garden wall only gets taller, so they keep sprinting downhill.

motorcycling in cargo shorts, hiking boots, and a flannel top. the moon watches me tuck it away in the garage. i tell myself it's fine to put the cover on because i only rode half a mile and none of the parts are warm yet. "thank you," i whisper to the bike, running a hand over the cowl to check for dust. "i'll come back for you."

the door creaks conspicuously as it unravels, thudding into the concrete in front of my feet.

--

my thoughts are flat, stretched thin and taut across the surface of the earth. i breathe knowingly; the back of my chest rubs against my shirt. you will not always feel like this.

--

i ascended the cathedral twice today. why aren't you always training? i ask myself. i ask myself every day. no one takes the stairs beyond the eleventh floor. the elevators are alien; students pack in shoulder to shoulder and most of them ignore me.

"i love your hair!" one of them shouts from the back. i pull an earphone out and raise an eyebrow. she means me, right? they always mean me these days. people i can't recognize will recognize me and say hi. i always smile and ask them what's up. sometimes i make them feel awkward, and i'm not sure if i mean it.

"thanks," i reply. once, someone said to me, 'just thank them and accept the compliment and move on,' when i was struggling to justify not getting complimented.

--

last week, i checked my snake hut. it was still there. i added grapevine. it will probably stay there. someday, it won't be there anymore, and i'm okay with that.

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15 September 2016 22:15


roll on


msf classes have always been full of people who are not my clan. i look at these people and do not know how to relate to them, and try not to feel bitter that they are why i get a certain look from non-riders when it is known that i have a motorcycle.

---

my right side peripheral vision dims in the corners; at some point, the world drops away and i do not know what is there. fear hits me at the apex of the curve. i tell myself: do not be afraid. i tell myself, when you are afraid, go faster.

#mcy

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30 April 2016 22:54


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