scolded

"ma'am, you have to get out of here," the security guard shouted at me from her car. "you can't just roll around in here, you have to get out."

i looked around the empty parking lot with the gates open and no signs posted. i thought of many things i could shout back to her, like, "i didn't know that," or "okay, i'm going," or "don't call me ma'am," or "why isn't there a sign?"

but i just turned around and left without looking at her, as if all i wanted to do was bike down to one end of the parking lot and back and didn't hear anyone try to run me off.

later, i got looks from her and other security guards while i skated up and down the public sidewalks that wrapped around the parking lot. there was no reason i wouldn't be allowed to skate on the sidewalks. no one said anything to me.

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25 September 2022 00:55

again

i thought i forgot how to open these text files and put words to them; this is a distant version of myself that feels shockingly like a stranger. but, if i close my eyes and feel the keyboard under my hands, it is as if i am reaching back to that person so i can tell them, yes, i'm still here. we're still here. we're still trying.

a cricket echoes in the garage. old LED lights buzz overhead. i need to buy more storage space for my data. i don't know what to do with all of this data.

somehow, writing this and intending to post this feels too raw and exposed, and in flipping through my old posts, i want to scream and hide them all from this extremely openly public view. existing feels like a risk. documenting any part of myself feels like a risk. i can't help but do it.

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22 September 2022 23:23