it is a sunday night


i woke blearily this morning to the rattle of fledgling house sparrows pushing each other around in the space between the gutter and the patio's tin roof. lately, the seal between the roof and the wall has deteriorated to the point that heavy rain leaks through, a dribble of water running down the stone facade under the awning. i wonder how much i could blame the birds.

i fell in and out of intermittent naps, having unexpectedly overheated on the way to and from the farmer's market because in my grogginess leaving the house, i forgot to take off my flannel shirt, and didn't notice that i was still wearing it until i was almost home. rarely do i soak through my clothes with sweat, but this is a new response my body is learning, anyway.

my shoulders are always tight. some days, they are tighter than others. i struggle to shake the habits that cause this.

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18 July 2021 22:53


2020


I blink and the hour flashes by. I see my father, stuffing old photographs into a box, in preparation for what he intends as his last move across an ocean. "Photographs are memories," he defends. "Those are the only important things to save."

Writing is an act of desperation, of dragging things out of my brain and sealing them onto some externally visible substrate. It is an act borne of fear, the anxiety of watching the minutes and days change over outside of human control. There is no stopping the tide that pulls your carefully sculpted sandcastle to sea; there is no holding the sides of your snow fort together during a midweek rainstorm.

Annually, folks ask each other for their goals and resolutions for the new year; it is curiosity, mutual accountability, idea-stealing, and maybe just idly filling the space with another human's desires so your own space seems less lonely. This, too, is an act borne of fear. This is us huddled together around a fire as the sunlight fades, wondering what dangers might reach us during the vulnerable period of sleep. We check in with other friendly souls to see who is still standing with us. The only way to survive is to cluster in groups.

I flip backwards through pages and pages of notes, filled with words torn out of my head. Does giving them form make them real? Does capturing them dispel their power? Does removing them free that space for others?

What am I so afraid of? What can any of us be so afraid of?

Fear is an emotional response to the perception of danger. High levels of uncertainty and confusion can present the appearance of danger. Just because you experience fear, does not mean you cannot continue forward.

This has been a good year for lessons.

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31 December 2020 13:57



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