'no one wants to be the kid with glasses,' my mother chided before they started vision tests at my school. 'look at some of your classmates. first grade! already needs glasses. such a shame.' she made words of pity towards those kids, which came from a position of superiority. glasses were for people who were flawed, who had a weakness, who watched too much television or read too much at night.

we knew my vision wasn't perfect, though; as long as i can remember we played games where i'd cover an eye and point to a stationary object, and see that my right eye drifted far to the left, and that letters turned to smudges if i covered my left eye. i cheated on vision test day, because i did not want to carry the shame of needing glasses at age six. i cheated on every vision test given to me for my driver's licenses, because i could not make out the required line of smudges with my right eye.

'there's no right or wrong answer,' the ophthalmologist assured me last week when i stuttered my way through the chart. 'just let me know when those letters start getting hard. have you ever failed a vision test at the dmv?'

'no, but i've always cheated on them.'

'never worn glasses. so, we won't give you something too strong. obviously, you can see just fine to get along.'

the world bows out towards me in the middle now; when reach up to grab something, my knuckles smash into it before i think it's reasonable to extend my fingers. if i turn my head too fast, everything becomes a blur, but i know that it looks like that when i'm not wearing glasses. commit to a week of this, i assure myself. text is easier to read. i spend a lot of my day reading text. small things have gotten harder to see. i have access to getting a device made just for me to attach to my face to combat the fatigue i've given to my eyes over the past three decades of living; i should give it an honest shot.

i'm not yet sure if this is helping or hindering. i have not admitted to my mother that i went to an eye doctor for an honest evaluation.

30 January 2018 20:36

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