fear less

it's not reasonable to be afraid of falling, i often tell myself.

to clarify: if i've performed all my safety checks and left the ground, it's not reasonable to be afraid of falling when i realize i can no longer hear the carabiner clinking against the belay device, when the breeze ruffles my sleeves around my tired arms, when i look up at the next move and feel uncertain.

that's not the time to be afraid of falling. if i have left the ground, i must have trusted my safety system enough to justify leaving the ground.

if i am afraid of falling, it is because i don't trust that system. do i not trust that system because i don't believe in the safety checks, or do i not trust that system because sometimes (often) i am just afraid of everything?

years ago, i on-sighted bloody mary (5.7), and remember clipping a bolt before a short ledge pull. i didn't want to pull the ledge, because often it takes me more than one try to pull a ledge. instead, i traversed off-route, to a stem that had a dicier fall (a big swing, for sure), but a much less likely fall.

i'm still sometimes disappointed in myself for refusing to take the riskier move. did i not trust the bolt? did i not trust my belayer? did i not trust my rope?

i already didn't trust myself.

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28 August 2018 20:30